American Wit and Humor: A Collection from Various Sources Classified Under Appropriate Subject Headings, Volume 2

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G. W. Jacobs & Company, 1900 - American wit and humor
 

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Page 115 - He will do more in the same time, he will do it better, he will persevere longer. One is scarcely sensible of fatigue whilst he marches to music.
Page 146 - The right leg of this patient, as you see, is shorter than the left, in consequence of which he limps. Now, what would you do in a case of this kind ?" Bright student :
Page 129 - It's a hundred dollars in your pocket," whispered the defendant's lawyer to the juror, %'if you can bring about a verdict of manslaughter in the second degree." Such proved to be the verdict, and the lawyer thanked the juror warmly as he paid him the money. "Yes," said the juror, "it was tough work, but I got there after a while.
Page 142 - Indignant physician — Man, what have you done? You sent my patient the wrong prescription and it killed him.
Page 136 - ... father is welthy honable and influenshal as he is a member of assembly and god nose i don't wan't to loss hym what shall i do ans by return male. Yours frat.
Page 209 - At a recent dinner party the subject of eternal life and future punishment came up for a long discussion, in which Mark Twain, who was present, took no part. A lady near him turned suddenly toward him and exclaimed: — "Why do you not say anything ? I want your opinion." Twain replied gravely: — "Madam, you must excuse me. I am silent of necessity, I have friends in both places.
Page 202 - A revivalist requested all in the congregation who paid their debts to rise. The rising was general. After they had taken their seats, a call was made for those who...
Page 123 - Have you anything to say before the court passes sentence upon you ? ' ' Prisoner : — " Well, all I got to say is, I hope yer honor'll consider the extreme youth of my lawyer, and let me off easy.
Page 136 - PHYSICIAN (to Mrs. Colonel Blood of Kentucky) — How did your husband pass the night, Mrs. Blood? MRS. BLOOD — He seemed quite comfortable, sir, and asked for water several times.
Page 273 - Why, Susie, what have you done?" Susie: — "Well, I drank my milk at lunch and then I ate — a pickle ; and the milk said to the pickle, ' get out ' ; and the pickle said,

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