You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the MorningFrom the author of the bestselling classics We're Just Like You, Only Prettier, and Bless Your Heart, Tramp, comes a collection of essays so funny, you'll shoot co'cola out of your nose. Topics include such gems as: |
From inside the book
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... Black Canary Barbie, who is clad in a suitable-for-S&M black vinyl jacket, high-heeled boots, fishnet panty hose, and nothing else. On the other hand, Jesus was forever befriending loose women, so I guess that would be OK. Picture the ...
... Black Canary Barbie looks like the real thing, although Mattel chose to omit her most awesome feature, the “canary cry,” a high-powered sonic scream that has the ability to shatter objects and completely incapacitate those around her ...
Contents
| 1 | |
| 11 | |
| 19 | |
Dreams 1 Snot 0 | 31 |
5 Miss North Carolina Is Too Nice to Hate | 39 |
6 My Manservant Can Kick Your Ass | 49 |
7 Playing the Bingo with ACissy and ABobby | 57 |
8 Airlines Serving Up One Hot Mess | 65 |
16 I Want to be a Margo but Im Really a Shanaenae | 141 |
17 It Is What It ing Is | 151 |
18 Lessons Taught Here | 159 |
19 The Wrestler and the Fan | 167 |
20 No TV? Ill Put My Carbon Footprint Up Your Behind | 177 |
Shaggin with the Sorta Stars | 187 |
22 Get Yer Wassail On Its Carolin Time | 195 |
23 Sex Every Night for a Year? How Do You Wrap That? | 205 |
9 Gladys Kravitz Wouldve Loved Her Some Facebook | 73 |
10 Gwyneth Paltrow Wants to Improve Your Pathetic Life | 83 |
11 Jon Kate Plus 8 Better Without the Kids | 93 |
12 Clay Aiken Aint Marrying Your Glandular Daughter | 103 |
13 What? Your Preacher Doesnt Stand on a Bucket? | 113 |
14 Chances of Getting in the Hall of Fame? Very Rare | 123 |
15 When Celia Met Sally A Convertible Love Story | 133 |
24 Japanese Moms Meet Most Honorable Uncrustables | 213 |
25 Strapped for Cash? Try Cat Whisperin | 223 |
26 Mamas Dont Let Your Sons Grow Up to Be Cheaters | 231 |
The Future Is Bloody Well DecidedOr Is It? | 239 |
Acknowledgments | 243 |