Sperm, Wonderful Sperm!I remember a report some time ago extolling the health benefits of the vitamins found in sperm, with the advice that in preparation for having a healthy and intelligent baby, for some months before becoming pregnant a woman should swallow her partner's sperm. You can rest assured this report was compiled by a team of men. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I set out to write a book entitled "49," a humorously light-hearted fly-on-the-wall look at my life from the day before my forty-ninth birthday to the day I hit fifty. A story of how I was coping with being too old for a mid-life crisis, counting the days tick down until the inevitable half-century. Should I be wearing socks with sandals; when would I start to enjoy pastimes that involved either binoculars, a fishing rod, making boats out of used matchsticks, a tandem bicycle or Morris dancing? Was I developing man-breasts, and more importantly, would the next woman I meet have bingo-wings? What pre-fifty pastimes would I be consigning to the dusty bin of life - wearing Ramones T-shirts and ogling young girls; my T-shirt definitely had to go. Maybe I wouldn't even make it to the end of the book; instead I'd meet my end running the Snowdonia Marathon. As it was I did make it to the end. Having spent a year writing "49" and many months trying to get a publishing deal without success, I started to write a blog. I pretty soon realised the missing ingredient - sex: sex sells. Post a good title and you have a success; mention anal sex and you have a best-seller. Without a second thought I changed the book title to "Sperm, Wonderful Sperm!" and quickly contacted an online print-on-demand publisher. This is the result... |
Contents
CHAPTER ONE | 1 |
CHAPTER TWO | 8 |
CHAPTER THREE | 17 |
CHAPTER FOUR | 25 |
CHAPTER FIVE | 33 |
CHAPTER SIX | 44 |
CHAPTER SEVEN | 54 |
CHAPTER EIGHT | 64 |
CHAPTER THIRTY | 292 |
CHAPTER THIRTY ONE | 297 |
CHAPTER THIRTY TWO | 307 |
CHAPTER THIRTY THREE | 317 |
CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR | 327 |
CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE | 338 |
CHAPTER THIRTY SIX | 349 |
CHAPTER THIRTY SEVEN | 358 |
CHAPTER NINE | 80 |
CHAPTER TEN | 94 |
CHAPTER ELEVEN | 108 |
CHAPTER TWELVE | 119 |
CHAPTER THIRTEEN | 128 |
CHAPTER FOURTEEN | 137 |
CHAPTER FIFTEEN | 147 |
CHAPTER SIXTEEN | 157 |
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN | 182 |
CHAPTER NINETEEN | 190 |
CHAPTER TWENTY | 199 |
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE | 209 |
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO | 216 |
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE | 225 |
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR | 234 |
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE | 243 |
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX | 256 |
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN | 266 |
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT | 275 |
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE | 282 |
CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT | 366 |
CHAPTER THIRTY NINE | 379 |
CHAPTER FORTY | 389 |
CHAPTER FORTY ONE | 402 |
CHAPTER FORTY TWO | 414 |
CHAPTER FORTY THREE | 433 |
CHAPTER FORTY FOUR | 448 |
CHAPTER FORTY FIVE | 464 |
CHAPTER FORTY SIX | 472 |
CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN | 484 |
CHAPTER FORTY EIGHT | 493 |
CHAPTER FORTY NINE | 500 |
CHAPTER FIFTY | 506 |
CHAPTER FIFTY ONE | 514 |
CHAPTER FIFTY TWO | 522 |
CHAPTER FIFTY TWO AND A HALF | 542 |
Acknowledgements | 560 |
Back Cover | 607 |
Common terms and phrases
50th birthday Alan animation Apparently Beatles Bekonscot blah blue Bridge Bucklers Hard building café called Calories burned canal Centre CHAPTER Christmas coffee Days until 50th Dee-Dee Douglas Adams Eric Idle film five football four Friday garden getting girl Hill hour hundred John Cleese lady Lake last night live London look Manchester marathon Megabus metres Michael Palin miles million Monday morning mountain Museum Park Peak District pence phoned pizza play Postman Pat pounds river Road round Routemaster Royal Sainsbury's Saturday Scottish Parliament Building Siobhan Smithie Sperm Stirling Prize stop Streatham Street studio Sunday talking tell Terry Gilliam there's thing thought thousand Thursday toilet tourist Tower Tuesday TV series walk wearing Wednesday week weekend whilst Withnail woman written and performed yesterday Ziggy