Artemus Ward, his book (Google eBook)

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User Review  - dougwood57 - LibraryThing

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful: "Air you married, and if so how do you like it?", September 29, 2007 Artemus Ward (Charles Farrar Browne) was an American original of the mid-19th ... Read full review

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Page 178 - Michygan went up on top the house, got into the chimney and slid down into the parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit he reached the fire-place he jumpt up...
Page 124 - Kanawl bote, there bein two other hosses hitcht on also, one behind and anuther ahead of me. The driver hollerd for us to git up, and we did. But the hosses bein onused to sich a arrangemunt begun to kick & squeal and rair up. Konsequents was I was kickt vilently in the stummuck & back, and presuntly I fownd myself in the Kanawl with the other hosses, kickin & yellin like a tribe of Cusscaroorus savvijis.
Page 22 - I don't like men ! " she sed, very short. " Wall, I dunno," sez I, " they're a rayther important part of the populashun. I don't scarcely see how we could git along without 'em.
Page 175 - ... until I got orfice, which if I didn't git a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration with all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the bizniss. I'm in a far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics is. I wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to run fur the Legislater. Sez I, "My frends, dostest think I'd stoop to that there?
Page 42 - Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out Sperret rapper he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over his fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. He eats all the dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full of big words, scarein the wimmin folks & little children & destroyin the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters.
Page 180 - Virtoo,' sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat-collar, 'virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me!' He did look at me, and qualed be4 my gase. The fact is...
Page 20 - Yay." " If the storm continners there'll be a mess underfoot, hay? " ;'Yay." "It's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot?" '' Yay." " If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pecooler kind of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins ?
Page 68 - Gase on this wastin form and these 'ere sunken cheeks " I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the pastur ker smash,* tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time and dragged me 4th. Then drawin herself up to her full hite she sed : " I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite strate out what you 're drivin at.
Page 115 - Reformin & Wimin's Rite's Associashun, and thay axed me if they cood go in without payin. " Not exactly," sez I, " but you can pay without goin in."
Page 31 - You egrejus ass, that air's a wax figger a representashun of the false Tostle." Sez he, "That's all very well for you to say, but I tell you, old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with impunerty by a darn site!

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