American wit and humor: a collection from various sources classified under appropriate subject-headings, Volume 1 (Google eBook)

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G.W. Jacobs & co., 1900 - American wit and humor
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Page 155 - That was a good though rather a severe pun which was made by a student in one of our theological seminaries (and he was not one of the brightest of the class either), when he asked : " Why is Professor the greatest revivalist of the age?" and on all "giving it up," said: "Because at the close of every sermon there is a
Page 65 - Come here, sir!" said a stem parent. "What is this complaint the schoolmaster has made against you ? " " It's just nothing at all, Pa. You see, Jimmy Hughes bent a pin, and I only just left it on the teacher's chair for him to look at, and he came in without his specs and sat right down on the pin, and now he wants to blame me for it ! " * # Irritable schoolmaster. " Now, then, stupid, what's tli© next word 3 What comes after cheese ?
Page 148 - that it is proper evidence. Here I have been practicing at the bar for forty years, and now I want to know if I am a fool?
Page 140 - When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him; this satisfies him that he and I are two az smart men az there is living.
Page 207 - Brudder," said one of his friends at the close of the meeting, "you ain't got de right word. It's besettin' not upsettin'." " Brudder," replied the other, " if dal's so it's so. But I was prayin' de Lord to save us from de sin ob 'taxication, an' ef dat ain't an' upsettin
Page 89 - John Randolph met a personal enemy in the street, one day, who refused to give half the side walk, saying he never turned out for a rascal. " I do," said Randolph, stepping aside and politely raising his hat, "pass on, sir, pass on.
Page 198 - I wish you would oblige us by voting this ticket." " What kind of a ticket is that ? " said he. " Why," said the lady, "you can see for yourself.'' '.'But I can't read," he answered. " Why, can't you read the ballot you have there in your hand, which you are about to vote?" asked the lady. "No," said he, "I can't read at all." "Well," said the lady, "this ballot means that you are willing to let the women, as well as the men, vote.
Page 120 - Boys, don't you ever speckerlate, or wait for suthin to turn up. You might just as well go and sit down on a stone in the middle of a medder, with a pail atwixt your legs, an' wait for a cow to back up to you to be milked.
Page 186 - I always observe that those persons who have a great deal to say about being ready to shed their last drop of blood, are amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop.
Page 209 - ... old darkey who was asked if in his experience prayer was ever answered, replied: "Well, sah, some pra'rs is ansud an' some isn't — 'pends on what yo' asks fo'? Jest arter de wah, w'en it was mighty hard scratchin' fo' de cullud brudren, I 'bsarved da w'enebber I pway de Lo'd to sen' one of Massa Peyton's fat turkeys fo...

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