101 Ways You Can Help: How to Offer Comfort and Support to Those Who Are Grieving

Liz Aleshire

Sourcebooks, Inc., May 1, 2009 - Self-Help - 224 pages

What to Do (and What Not to Do) When a Friend, Co-Worker, or Relative Suffers a Loss

With 101 quick and concrete suggestions you can use immediately, 101 Ways You Can Help offers practical information on the dos and don'ts of handling grief and loss. You'll find the universal basics of helping, as well as specific tools for how to offer support based on your relationship to the person who is grieving, from a boss to a backyard neighbor:

• Accept that you can't fix it. Stop trying.
• Tuck a book of stamps in that sympathy card.
• Donate a vacation day.
• Don't say: "She's in a better place."
• Be a little pushy.
• Help with the pets.
• Listen.

There are an estimated eight million newly bereaved people in the United States each year. Through this book, Liz Aleshire, who experienced personally and professionally what helps and what hurts, encourages you to reach out and gives you suggestions on how to ease the delicate situations surrounding bereavement.

Contents

• The Basic Dos: 1
• Accept that you cant fix it and stop trying: 2
• Go to the viewing or wake: 3
• Just say Im sorry for your loss: 6
• Tell an anecdote: 8
• Let her cry: 9
• Go ahead and give him a hug: 10
• Dress appropriately: 11
• Go to the funeral: 12
• When its OK to bring children: 14
• When its not OK to bring children: 15
• When you cant go to the funeral: 16
• The Basic Donts: 19
• Dont say Shes in a better place: 20
• Dont say At least he went quickly: 21
• Dont say What doesnt kill us makes us stronger: 22
• Dont say I knew someone who: 23
• Dont say He must have died to teach us something: 24
• Dont say He or She It or They must have needed her: 25
• Dont say You should be happy for how long you did have him: 26
• Dont say God or Buddha Mother Nature Allah the Universe or the Great Pumpkin never gives us more than we can handle: 28
• Dont say You need to get on with your life: 29
• When the Bereaved Is a Friend Who Shares a Common Interest: 31
• Tuck a book of stamps in with that sympathy card: 32
• Plan a playdate: 33
• Visit the bereaved at home: 34
• Arrange to be an escort to your next meeting or event: 35
• Offer to do all the work to hold a meeting of your group at his home: 37
• Be careful what you offerthe septic tank might be full: 38
• Read that body language: 41
• Shut up and listen: 43
• When the Bereaved Is Your Coworker: 45
• Offer to be the workplace newscaster: 46
• Dont push her to come back to work too soon: 47
• Offer to take on a task: 48
• Dont dump those tasks on her desk on her first day back at work: 49
• Donate a vacation day: 50
• Take up a collection at the office: 51
• Set up the trust fund the right way: 52
• Managers inform and support your employee regarding the companys leave policy: 55
• Managers educate your staff about grief and bereavement: 56
• Work to change the Family Medical Leave Act to include the bereaved: 58
• Shes not different shes just sad: 60
• By gosh dont gush: 61
• When the Bereaved Is Your Neighbor: 63
• Give him the gift of time: 64
• Allow her to grieve her way: 66
• Food herbs and other natural remedies that help: 68
• Offer to watch the house during the funeral: 72
• Offer to care for infants during the funeral: 73
• Say yes when asked to be a pallbearer: 74
• Speak up first about the deceased at the funeral: 75
• Visit once a week: 76
• While youre there check things out: 77
• Roll up your sleeves and get to work on outdoor home maintenance: 78
• Roll up your sleeves and get to work on inside home maintenance: 79
• Offer to run an errand: 80
• Be a little pushy: 81
• Be pushier: 82
• Have his children over to your house: 83
• Help out with holidays and events: 84
• Shut up and listen to children: 87
• Recommend a childrens grief support program: 89
• When the Bereaved Is Your Best Friend or a Member of Your Family: 93
• Smarten up Learn about the process of grief: 94
• Give her permission to grieve: 101
• Validate his feelings: 102
• Validate grief: 104
• Validate relief: 105
• Spend time with her in her home: 106
• Offer to help with funeral arrangements: 107
• Do the eulogy: 110
• Create a testimonial: 112
• Create a website: 118
• Know when to hold em and know when to hug em: 120
• Help with the pets: 122
• Offer to help with the paperwork: 123
• Make sure she is as financially stable as possible: 126
• Help go through the deceaseds clothing and belongings: 129
• Keep an eye on her health and safetyand the kids too: 131
• Be very pushy: 133
• Remember your favorite fun thing and do it again: 135
• Buy an unsubtle gift: 136
• Remember its not only the person whos gone: 137
• Buy her a journal: 138
• Keep a journal for him: 140
• Arrange to go to a conference on grieving: 141
• Suggest a support group: 142
• Suggest a grief counselor: 143
• Agree with the bereaved: 144
• Call call call: 146
• Make him feel needed: 148
• Dont forget the personal holidays: 149
• Remember roles in holiday traditions and family gatherings: 151
• Take care of yourself: 152
• Help with the hard decisions: 153
• Dont assume the spouse will be able to help: 160
• One more timeshut up and listen: 161
• Attending Funeral and Memorial Services: 165
• Bibliography: 175
• Web Resources: 179
• About the Author: 187

About the author

Liz Aleshire lost her only son to cancer when he was just 16. This is the book she wanted to hand to those who tried to comfort her. After she recently became seriously ill before passing away in October, six of her friends adopted the spirit of the book and helped finish writing it.

Bibliographic information

• Title: 101 Ways You Can Help: How to Offer Comfort and Support to Those Who Are Grieving
• Author: Liz Aleshire
• Publisher: Sourcebooks, Inc., 2009
• ISBN: 1402247257, 9781402247255
• Length: 224 pages
• Subjects: Family & Relationships / Death, Grief, Bereavement; Self-Help / Death, Grief, Bereavement; Self-Help / General