1,000 Unforgettable Senior Moments: Of Which We Could Remember Only 246

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Workman Publishing, May 3, 2006 - Humor - 166 pages
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No, you’re not losing your mind. And you’re definitely not alone. There’s Jimmy Carter, forgetting the nuclear launch codes in a suit at the dry cleaners. Rod Stewart fumbling for the name of the intense first love who inspired “Maggie Mae.” G. K. Chesterton writing a long letter to hismother announcing the good news about his engagement—while his mother is in the room with him. Marilyn Monroe blowing the same line through 52 takes during the filming of Some Like It Hot.

Celebrating history’s greatest mental lapses, is a perfect impulse book in the fine gift format of Famous Last Words. Not just outlandishly funny, it’s also a book of great comfort—after all, having a senior moment puts you in the company of Einstein, Lincoln, Beethoven, Newton, Toscanini, and a whole assortment of presidents, poets, philosophers, popes, and Nobel Prize–winners. Talk about gaffes. Here are best men forgetting to show up at the wedding. Judges staggered by the incompetence of their previous decisions. Senators frozen in front of TV cameras. Olympic officials gazing absently while bewildered runners continue through the finish line. Bono losing the only copy of his lyrics to a new album. Forget to pick up your copy today!
 

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Contents

1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS SU CASA ES MI CASA
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE FIRST ANNUAL G K CHESTERTON AWARD FOR ABSENTMINDEDNESS GOES TO G K CHE...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS BEATS HEY YOU
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ALTHOUGH NOT AS GREAT AS IT COULD HAVE BEEN
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND ITS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE I HAD PARENTS TOO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS OH I THOUGHT MOZART GOT IT FROM ME
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS LETS HAVE HIM OVER FOR DINNER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHERE WAS THE INVISIBLE HAND WHEN HE NEEDED IT?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND INCIDENTALLY YOU WOULDNT HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT PART IM PLAYING WOULD YOU?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AH AND THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY YOURE WEARING THE MORE EXPENSIVE SUIT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND MY NAME IS SEŃOR MOMENTO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND WHERE ARE COCHAIRMEN LARRY AND SHEMP?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS TOTALLY WINGING IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HIGHHEELEDSHOEINMOUTH DISEASE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE FIRST VIRTUE IS NOT BEING ABLE TO REMEMBER VIRTUES
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHAT A COINCIDENCE IT HAS THE SAME NAME AS I DO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NEXT YEAR LETS ASSIGN HIM TO THE POLE VAULT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THIS SURE IS ONE SATISFYING BILDUNGSROMAN
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ILL TAKE THE FORTIES TOO IF YOU GOT EM
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND THE ONE ABOUT FOUR SCORE AND SEVEN YEARS AGOTHAT WAS MINE TOO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HOPE YOU LIKE IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS OFF COURSE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS FURTHERMORE WE SHALL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS U2 BONO?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHOSE NAMES ARE ON THE TIP OF HIS TONGUE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NEXT TIME ILL WEAR A COAT WITH A ZIPPER
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS I REALLY MUST START EATING LESS OPIUM
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE PONY EXPRESS IS LOOKING BETTER AND BETTER ALL THE TIME
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS INCIDENTALLY WHOS THE PIANIST THIS EVENING?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NEXT WEEK WELL BE HONORING SERGEANT WOOLWORTHS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ROYALLY SCREWED UP
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AT LEAST IT WAS BACK FROM THE LAUNDRY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE SECOND ANNUAL G K CHESTERTON AWARD FOR ABSENTMINDEDNESS GOES TO G K C...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WAIT TIL YOU SEE WHAT IM GETTING FOR YOU NEXTWEEK
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND THE GUY STANDING NEXT TO YOU IS MARC ANTONY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS YOU SHOULD SEE ME BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A JEEP
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS TAKE THAT YOU ABSENTMINDED GENIUS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ID HATE TO THINK WHAT YOU PUT IN YOUR TEA MRS MORROW
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS RECYCLING
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS OTHER THAN THAT I THINK IM UP TO SPEED
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS YOU BETTER REMEMBER ME YOU DIRTY RAT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS OF COURSE NO ONES ACTUALLY GOING TO EAT IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THAT IS TO SAY YOUR EXGOOD FRIEND ELLIOT MENDELSON
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS LOVELY THRONE YOUR MAJESTY BUT WHAT EXACTLY DOES THIS SWITCH DO?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NEXT WEEK FOOLPROOF TIPS FOR REMEMBERING APPOINTMENTS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS EXCEPT IN THE CASE OF PAINTINGS OF PROLETARIANS BEING CLUBBED BY THE RUNNING D...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AT LEAST I REMEMBERED THAT I FORGOT THEM
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS A BRIDGE TOO FAR
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHEN IM PRESIDENT I SWEAR THIS SORT OF THING WONT HAPPEN
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS EXCEPT FOR FEBRUARY WHICH HAS 37
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HEY ITS HARD FOR A LINEMAN TO GET TO ANY END ZONE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS FOR MY NEXT TRICK ILL BURY MYSELF IN THE WRONG GRAVE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NOT ANOTHER QUEEN
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE VERY LONG GOODBYE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THOSE WHO MISLAY THE PAST ARE DOOMED TO FORGET IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE COLOR RED
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS YOU CANT GO ON THE TRAIN AGAIN
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ILL NEVER FORGET WHATSHERNAME
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NO STARCH AND MAKE SURE YOU TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF THE POCKETS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS TERRIBLY TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT YOUR DEATH
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS OR MAYBE YOU SHOULD GIVE POLITICS A TRY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IT WAS PERHAPS THE BEST FAMILY IVE EVER TASTED
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHEEEE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS DID I HAVE DESSERT?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AH THAT WOULD EXPLAIN THE STRANGE HAT IM WEARING
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND THATS SPELLED LAMPE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS MENTAL ERROR ON THE PITCHER
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS TO SAY NOTHING OF THE FACT THAT EVERYONE WAS WEARING A DARK SUIT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ID LIKE TO MEET THAT MAN SOME DAY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THOSE WHO FORGET HISTORY ARE CONDEMNED TO CONDEMN PERFECTLY NICE BUILDINGS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND THEN I PUT MY HEAD THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS LOOK HONEY THE DRESSER I BOUGHT COMES WITH A BRAIN
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS GENERAL MEMORY LOSS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSEHE COULD HAVE LEFT OUT THE SECOND H
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND WE WERE SO DESPERATE WE DIDNT EVEN BOTHER TO READ THEM FIRST
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS I THINK I SHALL NEVER SEE A POEM AS LOVELY AS A SOCK
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND THATS WHEN I FIGURED OUT THAT WRITING THE WORDS WAS GOING TO BE EASIER T...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS GIVE OR TAKE A FEW ZEROS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHAT ARE YOU SAYINGTHAT NEWSPAPERS DONT DELIVER THEMSELVES?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS OUR ACCOUNTANTS ADVISED US NOT TO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING VAGUELY FAMILIAR ABOUT ALL THAT BRILLIANT PROSE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND NOW I WILL FREE ALL CONVICTED MURDERERS ON THE GROUNDS THAT THEY MEREL...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THANKS BUT I ALREADY HAVE A BOOKMARK JUST LIKE IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ANOTHER ROUND OF GROG MATEY AND WE MIGHT GET A STANDING O
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS USUALLY I HANG AROUND PURGATORY YOU?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IF YOU HUM A FEW BARS MAYBE ILL REMEMBER WHERE I PUT IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IVE JUST HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL CONVERSATION WITH 8946065789
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THOU SHALT REMEMBER
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHAT ABOUT THE PAINTING OF THAT WOMAN WITH THE ENIGMATIC SMILE? DONT TELL ...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS CUSTOMERS REALLY CLEANED UP
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NOBODYS PERFECT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS BUT WERE PRETTY SURE IT ISNT FLAT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS UNTIL TOTAL AMNESIA DO US PART
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND TO THINK IM STILLGOING TO THE HALL OF FAME
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS I THINK I SAW MARIEL HEMINGWAY WITH IT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS INDELIBLY YOURS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS EXCEPT FOR THAT I THINK WERE IN PRETTY GOOD SHAPE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IM AFRAID IT WILL JUST BE YOU TONIGHT MONSIEUR BONAPARTE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ON THE OTHER HAND ILLBE BORED OUT OF MY MIND
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS DAMN I KNEW I SHOULDNT HAVE MISSED THE LAST SIX REHEARSALS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND A TRIUMPH OF FORGETFULNESS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ALSO ID FILM MYSELF ONLY IN CLOSEUP
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS GENIUS GETS GIRL GENIUS LOSES GIRL GENIUS FINDS GIRL GENIUS LOSES TICKET
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE FOURTH ANNUAL G K CHESTERTON AWARD FOR ABSENTMINDEDNESS GOES TO G K C...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THIS SHOULD DO THE TRICK
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IM AFRAID WERE GOING TO HAVE TO SUBTRACT YOU FROM THE TEAM NIELS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS LETS HEAR IT FOR THE POPE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND ASKED SOMEONE WHO WON THE THE CIVIL WAR
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS SIR BENJAMIN YOU LOOK SO FLUSHED
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS YOU COULDNT TELL ONE MOUNTAIN FROM ANOTHER EITHER
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WELL JUST BLAME IT ON THE MARTIANS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE UNIVERSAL GRAVITATION OF FORGETFULNESS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WE REALLY ARE GOING TO HAVE TO KEEP BETTER TRACK OF OUR POSSESSIONS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HOOPS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS BUT WE DO HAVE SOME STEAK AND KIDNEY PIES WE CAN THROW AT THEM
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS REMIND ME AGAIN ABOUT BANKERS HOURS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS I THOUGHT MY STEED WAS GOING A LITTLE SLOWER THAN USUAL
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE STUNT GUYS MUST HAVE BEEN DEMOCRATS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE JOHNSON TOUCH
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AT LEAST IT WASNT ANOTHER TECHNICIAN
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IPSO FACTO INCORRECTO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IN THAT CASE ID BETTER START LEARNING MY LINES
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS A WATCH POT DOES IN FACT BOIL
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ID LOVE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE NEW MATHEMATICS FELLOW
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HOW ODDI THOUGHT HE WAS STILL A LITTLE BOY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THATS ALL RIGHT WE DONT LIKE TRAIN TRAVEL ANYWAY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HOW WELL HE FORGETS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS DONT GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND WE BROUGHT BANDAGES TOO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THIS IS GOING TO HURT MY PRACTICE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ALTHOUGH THE ONES IM USED TO PLAYING FOR ARENT USUALLY SO ALERT LOOKING
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS MY LECTURE TONIGHT IS TITLED YOU WILL ALL BURN IN HELL FOR ETERNITY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE OSCAR FOR BEST UPSIDE DOWN PICTURE GOES TO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS SHOULD YOU NEED ANOTHER OPERATION DONT HESITATE TO COME BACK
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND GAVE HIM THE NAME WHITE MAN WITH HEAD IN CLOUDS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS A GRAVE IS A HORRIBLE THING TO WASTE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AT LEAST I DIDNT LEAVE MY WALLET IN THE BACKSEAT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND YOU MIGHT ADD MY MEMORY TO THAT LIST TOO
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS YOUR NOSE LOOKS ESPECIALLY UNFAMILIAR
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS SOMEBODYS GOING TO PAY BIGTIME FOR THIS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS THE FIFTH ANNUAL G K CHESTERTON AWARD FOR ABSENTMINDEDNESS GOES TO G K CHE...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS IF I WASNT SUPPOSED TO NAP WHY WAS THE BED THERE?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS FORTUNATELY THE XRAY OF THE SCREWDRIVER WAS NEGATIVE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS UHOH
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND YOUR BUTTOCKS WILL SOON BE DEAD
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS SEE? THIS PROVES MY POINT
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND I MIGHT EVEN REMEMBER TO PAY THE FARE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WE JUST FIGURED FOUR PIECES OF PI WERE BETTER THAN 314
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS BUT ILL TELL YOU ONE THING IT READS LIKE A NOVEL WRITTEN BY SOMEONE STRUNG OU...
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS BEETHOVENS FILTH
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS NEXT TIME HOW ABOUT WE JUST TAP HER ANKLE WITH A STICK?
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS WHAT A CHEAPSKATE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS SENATOR OUT OF CLOSET AT LAST
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HOME IS WHERE THE SHORTTERM MEMORY IS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS FIRST LADY OF FORGETFULNESS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS HONEY IM STILL HAPPY TO GIVE YOU MY AUTOGRAPH
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS AND FINALLY
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS INDEX
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS PHOTO CREDITS
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1000 unforgettable SENIOR MOMENTS ABOUT THE AUTHOR
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About the author (2006)

Tom Friedman is a writer, editor, and George Foster Peabody Award–winning documentary producer. He lives in Northern California.

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