A Look To The Future Through The Eyes of an Eighty Year Old Pirate

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iUniverse, May 18, 2011 - Fiction - 176 pages
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Talking pancreases, fake superhero trials , God-like insurance salesmen, teenaged congressgirls, bovine genealogists, sausage lore, the forgotten history of the American canine electorate, and gynecological street gangs all guest star in this ode to the vortex of weird that we call twenty-first century America. Bowen Craig, author of Keeping Away From the Joneses, explores the stranger aspects of modern life through the lens of an aging pirate. Four out of five mental patients agree that A Look To The Future Through The Eyes of an Eighty Year Old Pirate is a “...book...read...good.”
 

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Contents

CULT OF STEVE
1
AMERICAN ROYALTY
4
POLITICS IS REGRESSIVE
6
YET ANOTHER GRAND HOAX FOISTED ON US ALL
7
THE REAL REASON THAT WE STOPPED LETTING DOGS VOTE
9
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part one
12
AR McFEELYS SLOW DESCENT INTO MADNESS
14
THE PEOPLE VERSUS RANDY
18
THE WORST CALLS TO MAKE TO YOUR MOTHER
87
BOVINE GENEALOGY
89
THE ORGAN RECITAL
92
KYLES HOMEMADE SAUSAGE
95
MARQUEE MADNESS part two
101
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part eight
103
A NEW IDEA
104
ORIGINALITY
106

THE WORST THINGS A CAB DRIVER CAN SAY TO YOU
24
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part two
26
BRAD MILANGO FRAUD DETECTOR
28
JOHNNY AND HIS PANCREAS
30
LUNCH LADIES OF THE WORLD UNITE
33
THE GYNO GANG
36
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part three
41
ITS THE LAW
43
THE ORIGIN OF IDAHOS MAGIC POTATO FUN VILLAGE
48
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part four
51
CALLING IN
53
MARQUEE MADNESS
57
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part five
61
THE MID ATLANTA GOODLOOKING GUY CLUB
63
ME AND MR POTATO HEAD
66
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part six
69
THE WAR ON HAPPINESS
71
WILLIAMS LAST DAY ON THE JOB
74
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM
77
REST AREA 51
80
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part seven
83
THE COMMITTEE TO REELECT MAYOR McCHEESE
85
ONE STOP SHOPPING
108
DIFFICULT ARGUMENTS THROUGHOUT HISTORY
112
RED WHITE AND BLOWN AWAY
115
THE FUTURE OF DAY CARE
117
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF    part nine
120
ST PRANKSTER
122
THE ONGOING ADVENTURES OF     part ten
126
NOBODY KNOWS BUT MICKEY
128
BABY NAMES
130
PULL AROUND TO THE SECOND WINDOW
133
THE DOCTOR RIORDAN PLAN
136
I GET A CALL FROM MY BROTHER a true story    for the most part
138
THE MIRACLE ON RONS ASS
140
A HOUSE DIVIDED
143
MASCULINITY
146
POOPNOSTICATION
148
    AND WERE NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE
150
TUESDAYS THERAPY SESSION
152
PERVERT ISLAND
156
MOM AND I HAVE AN AFTERNOON TOGETHER
161
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