After the Fight: Using Your Disagreements to Build a Stronger Relationship

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Guilford Press, Sep 1, 1995 - Family & Relationships - 326 pages
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Daniel B. Wile, author of Couples Therapy and After the Honeymoon, devotes this entire book to an analysis of a single night in the life of one couple. By tapping into their self-talk (their ongoing conversations with themselves), he discovers what starts, escalates, and rekindles fights--and also, what potentially allows for a useful conversation about a fight. Wile reveals the half-thoughts and half-feelings that generally go unnoticed: the anxious flashes; depressive waves; self-directed diatribes; and two-second mental divorces.
 

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Contents

Major Points in the Book
1
BLAMING YOURSELF
13
The Ongoing Conversation We Have with Ourselves
15
Using Our Relationship to Figure Out What We Feel
19
SelfBlame
24
SelfJustification Fighting Off SelfBlame
28
IMPLICATIONS FOR THERAPY THE PLATFORM
33
The Therapists Platform
35
Monitoring the Shifting In and Out of an Adversarial State between Client and Therapist
156
RECOVERING FROM THE FIGHT
167
First Attempts at a Recovery Conversation
169
The AdmittingAdmitting Couple State
181
The CollaboratingCollaborating Couple State
193
A Recovery Conversation in Its Full Sense
198
THE NEED TO GET SOMETHING ACROSS
211
LeadingEdge Feelings
213

The Clients Platform
46
The Value of the Platform
61
BLAMING YOUR PARTNER
81
Blaming If You Cant Join Them Beat Them
83
Defensiveness A Multiplicity of Defensive Responses
89
The Fight
100
Five Levels of Attack
105
IMPLICATIONS FOR COUPLES THERAPY DEALING WITH ADVERSARIAL STATES
115
What Fighting Is
117
Dealing with Couple Fighting by Helping Partners Make Their Points
127
The Shifting In and Out of an Adversarial State between Client and Therapist
150
Life as the Continual Generation of Symptoms
221
Relationships as Solutions That Create New Problems
231
Therapy Helping Clients Get Across What They Need To
240
The Impossibility of Obeying the Rules of Good Communication
249
PICTURES
265
Primary Secondary and Rejected Pictures
267
The Four EgoAnalytic Pictures
279
What Happens to Marie Paul and the Skeptic?
305
REFERENCES
319
INDEX
321
Copyright

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About the author (1995)

DANIEL B. WILE is a psychologist in the private practice of individual and couples therapy in Oakland, CA. A Diplomate in Clinical Psychology of the American Board of Professional Psychology, Dr. Wile earned his A.B. at the University of Chicago and his Ph.D. at the University of California at Berkeley. He has published on psychotherapeutic theory as well as on couples therapy, and has given numerous talks, courses, demonstrations, and workshops on couples therapy.

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