An Idiot Girl's Christmas: True Tales from the Top of the Naughty List

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Random House Publishing Group, Nov 1, 2005 - Biography & Autobiography - 160 pages
IT’S LAURIE NOTARO’S HOLIDAY HANDBOOK. PREPARE TO LAUGH YOUR TINSEL OFF.It’s the most wonderful–and most dreadful–season of the year, when boxes of truffles attack your thighs, drunken holiday revelers stay long past their welcome, and your grandmother has conniptions at the department store over the price of hand lotion. Welcome to Laurie Notaro’s Christmastime. In ten brand-new stories and three previously published favorites, Notaro shares the sidesplitting daily disasters of the holidays, like finding herself on emergency feminine product recon at midnight on Christmas Eve; surrendering to the inevitable Horrible Gift Parade by simply asking for holiday dish towels and giant white underpants from Sears; battling the morons in line at the Seventh Circle of Hell, otherwise known as the do-it-yourself craft store; and trying to live down her reputation as the Most Unfun Christmas Party Guest Ever, due to an unfortunate misunderstanding involving a fake overdose and emergency paramedics. So whether you find yourself at the Dull and Smart Party or the Raucous and Stupid Party this holiday season, you’ll always know where to find Laurie–just follow the chocolate trail over to the cheese platter. She’ll be the one dialing the cops.
 

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Contents

Really Want for Christmas
3
Helpful Tips on How to Throw an Unforgettable
11
Theres a Gun Somewhere Under the Christmas Tree
38
Mashed Potatoes Yams and a Urine Sample
58
Jingle Hell
80
Where Do Good Trees Go When They Die?
89
Christmas Death Trap 1
109
Happy Holidays from the Asshole Family
127
Copyright

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About the author (2005)

Laurie Notaro loves Christmas, despite the fact that last year she was the unfortunate recipient a jar of previously owned bath salts and an XXL sweater with a snowman on it. She does not adhere to the saying “It’s the thought that counts” when the thought is “If I clean it off and put a bow on it, she won’t know I used this,” but she does think it’s funny to call out on the Holy Night, “Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!” because it makes her mother mad. This is her fifth book.

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