Bisexual and Gay Husbands: Their Stories, Their Words

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Psychology Press, 2001 - Family & Relationships - 505 pages
2 Reviews
What happens when married men face their gay/bisexual needs?

This astonishing volume offers an intimate look into the lives and thoughts of bisexual men. Already married to women, these men are undeniably attracted to other men. Their struggle with conflicting needs, desires, and loyalties is not filtered through theories or evoked in brief interviews. It comes straight from their own keyboards.

The stories told in Bisexual and Gay Husbands are taken from an Internet mailing list, which allows people to speak freely and in anonymity, yet also encourages the development of a tightly knit community. Men at all stages of the coming-out process share their experiences, their secrets, their pain, shame, anger, and hope.

One man writes, “I have found the answer to my bisexual needs and am afraid to embrace it. I need help and advice to know what to do. What you people have done in your lives may hold the key to helping me decide on a course of action. I am either going to create a dream come true or hell on earth as I destroy my marriage. I can't tell which, and of course you can't either. But you CAN tell me how you are handling the problems I am facing.”

Bisexual and Gay Husbands includes advice and information on the issues that touch these men most deeply, including:
  • how do I tell my wife and kids?
  • what does it mean to self-identify as bisexual or gay?
  • what kinds of relationships do I want with men?
  • can triads work?
  • how do I deal with my children's reaction?
  • do I have to leave my wife?
The insight, intelligence, and honesty revealed in Bisexual and Gay Husbands make it a riveting read, but it also has great clinical and historic value for therapists, sex theorists, and bisexual men and their families.

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I was moved by the clarity, honesty and compassion with which Dr Lawrence presented the information on ways to heal from a break up or divorce. I had in fact just the day before begun the break up process with my boyfriend, and this was literally perfect timing! I took notes and I have referred to them regularly during this time of transition in my life. I enjoyed the seminar immensely and am grateful I had the opportunity to participate. Thank you Dr Lawrence! 

User Review - Flag as inappropriate

Klein and Schwartz have taken the real-life stories of bi/gay men who have outted themselves to their wives, are contemplating to come out to their wives, or have been caught by their wives because of unusal behaviors, printed emails left casually on computer tables, overheard snippits of conversation finding videos with their husbands in overt sexual acts, or gay men's magazines hidden in just about any place imagineable.
And the stories replicate what and how has happened ion many of our lives; same beginnings - the date that the husband became authentic unto himself by admitting he was bisexual or gay; for most. the years of self-repression and staying in the closet; the outting, regardless of whether they outted themselves or were caught; the discussions and/or shouting matches with the spouses, or the just plain "get outs" by the wives who feel betrayed by their husbands, who feel victimized by the husbands action (if even only mental), who fear the shame that the knowledge that she had been duped into a marriage with a gay guy.
I recognize the truth Klein and Schwartz put forth, because I am one of those guys. While each relationship has a different path and multiple possibilities for either ending or continuing the marriage, there are so many commonalities among bi/gay married men, that the core group has been recognized to be vastly larger than even the few sociologist studying the field have estimated up to 10% of all marriages fit into some kind or mixed orientation arrangement. And this book, edited from posts on a rather small elist, is organized in such a way as to allow the reader to find his immediate problem and read what others are doing in similar circumstance.
I am slightly prejudiced because I am one of these men, not in the book, but in the world today. And depending on how homophobics one's background has lead them to be, this book is a "must read" to understand the pressions that a large segment of the population lives thru to be the 'good father', the scoutmaster, the sports coach, even the pastor who ministers to our needs.
It can be weighty, both in style and subject matter, but I have found no book yet to match it honestyin the depths of its subject.

Selected pages


Coming Out
Sexual Orientation
Male Relationships
Relationship with Wife
Our Kids
Advice and Comments
Moral Issues
Leaving the Marriage

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About the author (2001)

Thomas Schwartz runs the popular website The Run Zone, and is an exercise physiologist and coach.

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