Frequent Flyer Humor and One-Upmanship

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Dog Ear Publishing, 2011 - Humor - 236 pages
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On a nice little De Havilland twin prop, Toronto to Baltimore: "Okay, so we have fifteen of you today. Anyone not flown before?

Good. No virgins. Then I'll do the short version.

Exits over the wings, life jackets beneath the seats, oxygen masks drop out of the ceiling, put them on in the usual fashion. Seats up. Belts on. Read the cards. Enjoy your flight. Questions?"

You're traveling too much when you see the same flight attendant twice in the same day.

Tower: "Cleared to land; winds 270 at 21, gusting 29, heavy rain, severe turbulence below 300, RVR (runway visual range) 2,000 feet."
Pilot: "Roger. Cleared to land; and Oh, let us know if it gets any worse."
Tower: "Worse?"

Jet Lag: "Wallet in refrigerator. Where's the milk?"

"Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

"We're ready to begin boarding Flight 1234 with service from Miami to Atlanta. Due to a weight problem with the aircraft, we are going to limit you to one piece of carry-on luggage. Any additional items will have to be checked."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash has brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Two airline mechanics were working on a 747 when lunchtime came. Rather than leave what they were doing, they just took their lunch break while sitting in the cockpit. As they were eating lunch, one mechanic bet the other that the landing gear wouldn't retract if he pulled the gear lever up. He lost.

Near the conclusion of an extremely turbulent American Airlines flight, a cabin attendant finished his "stowed-tray-table-and-upright-seat" speech with a cheerful, "We'd like to thank you for flying American Airlines. But if you were displeased with the flight, thank you for flying United."


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About the author (2011)

Every Sunday out. Every Friday back. For weeks, months and years. Innumerable delays and prevarications, contemptuous treatment by terminal and airline personnel, instantaneous altitude changes, tumultuous final approaches, teeth-rattling landings, extreme baggage waits at the carousel because the bag was snatched at the door when boarding because the bins were full.

In addition to countless standards and heavies, he has flown in a 4-seater chopper without doors (summer, no A/C), ski-equipped C-130s and an Arab aircraft with a tree branch in the landing gear due to a high tree and a low takeoff. Has also stuffed wet wash cloths into a ruptured fuselage seal over the North Atlantic and has sat in the cockpit while his crazy buddy chased caribou up a fjord.

Have written for Barrons' and other financial publications. Been interviewed by newspapers and magazines; on radio and TV. Activities have been reported in the New York Times, U.S. News and World Report, Medical Economics, Tax Avoidance Digest and others.

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