How to Become an Intellectual: 100 Mandatory Maxims to Metamorphose into the Most Learned of Thinkers

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F+W Media, Inc., Mar 18, 2012 - Humor - 240 pages
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A Capacious and Quintessential Guide

Maxims:
#1: Carry a Scholarly Book (at All Times)
#12: Know Your Manet from Your Monet
#14: Be Proficient in at Least One Classical Instrument
#64: Learn to Recite Romantic-Era Poetry on Cue

If you think you need a PhD in Greek and Roman philosophy from an Ivy League school to call yourself an intellectual, reconsider your supposition. While you may envy the initials that follow distinguished names of professors and the intellectual elite, it's not the mortar board and scholarly robes you need—it's the obscure esoterica. In this primer, you'll learn to walk the talk of the intelligentsia, leaving simpletons and pseudo-intellectuals in your dust.

Inside How to Become an Intellectual, you will find the prodigious truths every self-respecting learned person lives by. This code of scholarly behavior allows aspiring high-brows like yourself to educate their unfortunate lessers, amaze their Mensa friends, and impress their fellow wise people—one distinguished bon mot at a time!

 

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User Review  - AlbinoRhino - LibraryThing

Read this through in one day. It is very humorous and the author's tongue remains planted firmly in cheek for the book's entirety. There are 100 sections with titles such as "Take Care When Revealing ... Read full review

Contents

Carry an intellectual book at all times
10
Learn some truly enormous words
16
Give your signature some character
22
Include art films in your movie collection
24
lO Choose your intellectual role model
28
l2 Know your Manet from your Monet
34
l4 Play at least one classical instrument
40
l8 Hide your love of action movies
48
Unleash your CroMagnon self with grilling
143
Dating
145
Peruse these hunting grounds for your fellow intellectuals
146
Make dinner fun not an IQ arms race
148
Always groom before heading outside
151
Learn to recite Romanticera poetry on
153
Refrain from using these pickup lines
156
Leave your Tshirts at home
158

Choose a proper lair for contemplation
56
Arrange your desk area to suggest pure brilliance
65
Design a failsafe organizing system
66
Buy books by the foot
69
Curate your liquor cabinet
71
Keep your walls free of degrees and hunting trophies
74
Disdain design fads
76
Technology
79
Carry ebooks on the road
80
Edit your Facebook profile to tell the right story 33 Cast LOL and emoticons from your lexicon
84
Twitter your brilliance
86
Decide on the proper quote for your email signature
88
Select a ringtone that suggests actual taste in music
90
Beware of spell check
92
Keep a paper notebook
94
Remain slightly wary of technology
97
Prepare yourself for facetoface meetings
99
Looking the Part
101
Decline a pipe or monocle as an accessory
102
Always carry a jacket
104
Wear black for any occasion
106
Embrace your facial hair
108
Discard the backpack for a bag or briefcase
111
Refuse to be ashamed ofyour vehicle 47 Remain uncostumed even on Halloween
115
Resist the temptation to show off your phone
117
Know the names of certain designers
119
Use any writing instrument that suits your fancy
121
Health and WellBeing
123
Become a foodie like a Roman emperor
124
Exercise to boost your brain
127
Sleep before you reach the breaking point
129
Moderate your caffeine intake
131
Use podcasts for ultimate multitasking
133
Never use drugs and alcohol to enhance creativitythey dont
135
Consume these foods for thoughtfuel
137
Take frequent breaks to boost your productivity
139
Shun drinking at the reception or book reading
141
Craft a timeless upscale mixtape
160
Obey standard rules of etiquette
162
Take care when revealing your favorite fill in the blank 70 Treat your ex with civility
167
Engaging Your Public
169
Ease slowly into deep conversations
170
Say less especially when they expect more
172
Rehearse rewrite rehearse rewrite
174
Cultivate rivalries with other intellectuals
176
Fight every idea war honorably and well
179
Lose a debate graciously
181
Be polite if only to simplify your life
183
Abstain from using Google in front of other people
186
Play it cool but not cold
188
Never succumb to the temptations of Latin
190
Walk the Walk
193
Know these books
194
Choose your favorite philosopher
196
Watch these five directors 84 Diversify your news intake
201
Withstand the urge to rely on Picasso as your fallback artist
203
Learn to identify composers by their first few notes
205
Take speaking tips from Churchill
208
Familiarize yourself with the ancient Greeks
210
these historically famous drinks
213
Aspire to be a wellrounded thinker
215
Intellectual Etiquette
217
Learn the arts of tool use and changing tires
218
Keep your head only partway in the clouds
220
Avoid quoting from bestsellers
222
Refuse to use your big brain as a club
224
Laugh atjokes made at your expense 96 Stay curious
228
Support your friends arguments to a point
230
Learn one new thing from everyone
232
Analyze ideas not people
234
Know when to say nothing
236
ndex
238
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About the author (2012)

Nick Kolakowski is a magazine editor, ghostwriter, and literary gun-for-hire, who presently is a staff writer for eWeek.com. Nick has written for McSweeney's, Playboy, WebMD, AutoWeek, Washington Flyer, LOST Magazine, AARP the Magazine, and DC Style, and freelanced for The Washington Post and Washington City Paper.

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