I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

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Penguin, 2000 - Self-Help - 336 pages
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In their weekly radio show and in their popular workshops, Gary and Joy Lundberg have already helped thousands of people and their families to communicate more effectively. Now, the Lundbergs address an all too common dilemma that arises when others expect you to solve their problems for them, showing readers how they can shed the no-win role of "fixer" and empower people to solve their own problems through validation--a simple yet profound communication tool that is essential to any healthy relationship. Refreshingly straightforward, this inspiring and entertaining work is poised to become a classic guide for anyone who wishes to improve relationships with their partner, children, colleagues and friends.
 

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Contents

Principle 1 Be an Effective Validator
3
WHAT IS VALIDATION?
7
WHAT ABOUT POSITIVE MENTAL ATTITUDE?
9
VALIDATION BEGINS WITH SELF
11
VALIDATION IS NOT MANIPULATION
12
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES DO NOT HAVE TO CHANGE WHEN YOU USE VALIDATION
13
THE UNIVERSAL NEED
14
Principle 2 Leave the Responsibility Where It Belongs
16
BEGIN TODAY
140
How Validation Works with Adult Children
142
DONT ALLOW THEM TO CONTROL YOU
145
GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE
151
WHEN THEY BLAME YOU
155
BOOMERANG CHILDREN
158
WHEN THEIR LIFESTYLES DONT MATCH YOURS
161
THE UNIVERSAL NEED
164

POWER AND DESIRE
18
OFFERING HELP
19
MAKING DECISIONS FOR OTHERS
20
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE PROBLEM
22
IF I OFFER HELP AM I STUCK?
26
Principle 3 Acknowledge Emotions
30
EMOTIONS CAN AFFECT OUR PHYSICAL WELLBEING
32
UNINTENTIONAL TEACHING
34
SO WHAT CAN WE DO?
37
THE RULES OF VALIDATION
38
GET OUT OF YOURSELF FOR A WHILE
39
IT TAKES SO LITTLE TIME
41
Principle 4 Develop the Art of Listening
43
LISTEN FOR INFORMATION
44
RELIEF FOR THE LISTENER
46
THE ART OF QUESTIONING
48
OPERATIVE WORDS
50
THE GREAT INVALIDATOR
52
THE EYES GIVE CLUES
54
BEGIN TODAY
55
Principle 5 Find the Right Time to Teach
57
WHY NOT THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT?
61
NOT ALL QUESTIONS NEED IMMEDIATE ANSWERS
64
THE TIME TO FOLLOW UP
66
PLANNED TEACHING TIMES
70
MAKE IT HAPPEN
78
BEGIN TODAY
79
Principle 6 Learn the Effective Validating Phrases and Questions
81
VALIDATING QUESTIONS
84
BEGIN TODAY
86
The Application
89
How Validation Works with Young Children
91
LET THEM FEEL WHAT THEY ARE FEELING
92
GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM
95
TRY THEIR POINT OF VIEW
99
HOLD ON TO YOUR BOUNDARIES
101
EYETOEYE CONTACT
105
PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES
106
RESIST RESOLVING
109
WHEN ILLNESS STRIKES
112
THE UNIVERSAL NEED
116
How Validation Works with Teenagers
118
HELP THEM TO START TALKING
120
REINFORCE VALUES
122
BELIEVE IN THEM
124
DISCIPLINE WITH VALIDATION
128
CONTROL YOURSELF
134
SILENCE CAN BE VALIDATING
135
THEY CAN MAKE WISE CHOICES
137
How Validation Works with a Spouse
166
WHAT TO DO ABOUT A NO GOOD VERY BAD DAY
169
HANDLING DISAPPOINTMENT
171
STOP DEFENDING YOUR POSITION
174
DO IT OVER
177
THE MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCE
179
SETTING FAMILY VALUES
180
ENJOY EACH OTHERS DREAMS
182
PLAN TIMES TOGETHER
184
SENSE EACH OTHERS NEEDS
186
BEGIN TODAY
188
How Validation Works with Parents and ParentsinLaw
190
DONT TRY TO CHANGE THEIR THINKING
192
LOVE HONOR AND SET YOUR BOUNDARIES
197
DEALING WITH DEATH
201
HANDLING ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
204
WHEN SENILITY SETS IN
206
ITS WHAT WE ALL NEED
210
How Validation Works with Divorced and Blended Families
212
YOU ARE NEWLY WEDS
214
THE PARENTING CHALLENGE
215
DEALING WITH THE LONELINESS
216
COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR EX
218
ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS
219
THE NEED FOR BOUNDARIES
223
YOU ARE NOT MY DAD MOM
225
SETTING THE RULES IN A BLENDED FAMILY
228
UNFULFILLED PROMISES
232
THE MORE PEOPLE WHO LOVE
233
BEGIN TODAY
236
How Validation Works with Friends
237
DONT TELL A FRIEND WHAT TO DO
238
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH FRIENDS
241
WHEN A FRIEND LOSES A LOVED ONE
245
LET THEM ENJOY A MINICATHARSIS
248
How Validation Works on the Job
250
NOT ALL NEEDS CAN BE MET
253
CARING IS THE KEY
254
WATCH FOR EXAMPLES
256
THE VALIDATING TEACHER
258
VALIDATIONA LIFE SAVER
260
BELIEVE IN YOUR EMPLOYEES
261
BEGIN TODAY
264
Conclusion
265
A SONG TO LEAN ON
266
The Workbook
269
Notes
301
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About the author (2000)

Gary Lundberg is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Together with his wife, writer, speaker, lyricist and poet Joy Saunders Lundberg, they co-host a weekly radio show on relationships (Morning with the Lundbergs) and present seminars and workshops around the country. They are the parents of five children.
Joy Saunders Lundberg is a writer and speaker. Together with her husband Gary Lundberg she presents seminars and workshops throughout the country and cohosts a weekly radio show on relationships. The parents of five children, they live in Provo, Utah. Meet them on their Web site at www.allbetter.net.

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