I Hate Conflict!: Seven Steps to Resolving Differences with Anyone in Your Life

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McGraw Hill Professional, Feb 18, 2008 - Family & Relationships - 320 pages
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Got a conflict? Confront with confidence!

Most people hate conflict. Whether it's a minor clash with a close friend, a falling out with a family member, or a big blowup with the boss, most of us would rather walk on eggshells for days, months, even years than deal with the issue head-on. But avoiding unresolved conflict can drain your energy, wreak havoc on your emotions, and destroy your health. That's why relationship expert Lee Raffel created this researched-based program to help you handle your personal and professional conflicts with courage, confidence, and sensitivity. Her simple seven-step plan will show you how to:

  • Stop avoiding issues
  • Start addressing problems
  • Talk out feelings and issues calmly
  • Listen compassionately
  • Defuse explosive situations
  • Deepen your relationships

By using conflicts as an opportunity for positive growth and change, you'll be able to improve your relationships, lower your stress levels, and ease your mind. I Hate Conflict! includes practical advice on how to keep arguments from escalating, how to deal with someone who sabotages conversations, and how to adapt to each of the five most common conflict styles.

 

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Contents

1 Conflict 101
1
2 You Can Run and You Can Hide but You Cant Escape Conflict
13
3 Hardwired Sources of Conflict
35
4 The Five Conflict Styles
57
5 How the Different Conflict Styles Interact
91
6 The Seven Essential Steps to Managing Conflict Constructively
115
7 Twenty Core Truths to Help Your Conversations
155
8 How to Prevent Conflicts from Escalating
181
9 Confront with Confidence
199
10 How to Handle Conflict Sabotage
235
11 Achieve Peace of Mind
253
Epilogue
271
Notes
273
Index
279
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Page 174 - The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Page 46 - The Split Self in Midlife Your midlife inquiry may parallel that of a rebellious teenager as you struggle to be your "own person." At once you are beset with questions: Who am I? What do I want? Where am I going? You have a compelling urge to be different, to feel competent, to be important and of value in the scheme of things. You feel split apart, consumed with an urge to put aside the old in favor of the new. Compulsion to Separate in Midlife...
Page 52 - ... the great literature of all progressive societies, love is a verb. Reactive people make it a feeling. They're driven by feelings. Hollywood has generally scripted us to believe that we are not responsible, that we are a product of our feelings. But the Hollywood script does not describe the reality. If our feelings control our actions, it is because we have abdicated our responsibility and empowered them to do so. Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you...
Page 173 - ... damage. The detailed history and geography of the Western Sahara, no matter how carefully studied and documented, is not the stuff with which one puts to rest that kind of territorial dispute. No study of who developed what nuclear devices when will put to rest the conflict between India and Pakistan. As useful as looking for objective reality can be, it is ultimately the reality as each side sees it that constitutes the problem in a negotiation and opens the way to a solution. Put yourself in...
Page 173 - ... such circumstances people tend to assume that what they need to know more about is the object or the event. They study the watch or they measure the skid marks at the scene of the accident. They study the Western Sahara or the detailed history of nuclear weapons development in India and Pakistan. Ultimately, however, conflict lies not in objective reality, but in people's heads. Truth is simply one more argument — perhaps a good one, perhaps not — for dealing with the difference.
Page 133 - We are exquisitely social creatures," Dr. Rizzolatti told the Times. "Our survival deige 53 No and the Brain 53 pends on understanding the actions, intentions, and emotions of others. Mirror neurons allow us to grasp the minds of others not through conceptual reasoning but through direct simulation — by feeling, not by thinking.
Page 173 - ... with your own. Your anger and frustration may obstruct an agreement beneficial to you. Your perceptions are likely to be one-sided, and you may not be listening or communicating adequately. The techniques which follow apply equally well to your people problems as to those of the other side. Perception Understanding the other side's thinking is not simply a useful activity that will help you solve your problem. Their thinking is the problem.
Page 96 - On the other hand, people get angry, depressed, fearful, hostile, frustrated, and offended. They have egos that are easily threatened. They see the world from their own personal vantage point, and they frequently confuse their perceptions with reality. Routinely, they fail to interpret what you say in the way you intend and do not mean what you understand them to say. Misunderstanding can reinforce prejudice and lead to reactions that produce counterreactions in a vicious circle; rational exploration...
Page 28 - The dictionary defines this kind of projection as "the unconscious act or process of ascribing to others one's own ideas...

About the author (2008)

Lee Raffel, M.S.W., has thirty-five years of experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist and a licensed clinical social worker. She is the author of Should I Stay or Go? How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage.

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