I May Be Big But I Didn't Cause That Solar Eclipse

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AuthorHouse, 2007 - Humor - 192 pages
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I May Be Big But I Didn't Cause That Solar Eclipse is award-winning Canadian humorist Gordon Kirkland's fifth book. Three of his previous books received Canada's prestigious literary award, The Stephen Leacock Award of Merit For Humour. His syndicated newspaper column. Gordon Kirkland At Large, is enjoyed by readers in the United States and Canada every week. He is also a frequent guest on radio and television shows in both countries. In addition, he is in great demand as a speaker at conferences, conventions, and festivals throughout North America. An April 2006 profile of Kirkland in the Canadian edition of Reader's Digest said, "Kirkland's specialty is making others laugh at him, at themselves, and at life in general." In this book, Kirkland once again takes on subjects ranging from marriage to dealing with a canine companion. He looks at the odd events of daily life, and even finds humor in the experiences of moving and having a serious illness.
 

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Contents

The Future Came I Expected Thered Be Oatmeal Cookies
3
Vegas Is An Alarming Place To Go For Rest And Relaxation
5
Every Generation Has Its Own Good Old Days
7
Im Not Wrong Just Psychically Mistaken
9
Face It Husbands Are Irresponsibly Responsible For All Domestic Disasters
11
Never Try To Reason With An Oak
13
Hes Educated To A Degree
15
Goodness Gracious Great Balls Of Frozen Dust Particles
17
Im Not Qualifi ed To Shop In Big Hardware Stores
91
I Need No Fault Insurance For Stock Crashes
93
Who Dumped All This White Crap On My Sidewalk?
95
Somebody Call A Doctor
97
I Feel Like Im Fixin To Die
99
Recovering With Documentaries
101
Reducing My Personal Colossalness
103
You Could Say Im Unfeeling
105

Ive Been To Hell And Back
19
Of Mice And Men And Mothers
21
I Am A Romantic Legend In My Own Mind
23
With A Friend Like That
25
Everyone Needs A Good Movement From Time To Time
27
Im Going To Have A Movement
29
We Dont Really Live Here Anymore
31
Homing In On The Search Of Home Ideas
33
Life And Death On The Real Estate RollerCoaster
35
The Real Estate Roller Coaster Part Deux
37
I Can Pack A Lot Of Stuff Into A Movement
39
Is It Just Me Or Does This Kind Of Thing Happen to Other People?
41
My Christmas Shopping Doesnt Involve Camping
43
Im Just A Speed Demon
45
I Had My Day In Court
47
You Crank And Ill Grump
49
Im Going To Start Hiding During Full Moons
51
At Least Clothes Hunting Isnt Dangerous
53
My Internal Alarm Clock Is Stuck On Snooze
55
I Guess They Just Dont Serve My Kind There
57
I Dont Need To Go Shopping For My Shortcomings
59
Gimme An R Gimme An A Gimme An I Gimme and N
61
Aiming For A Travelers Sanctuary
63
When Healthy Eating Isnt
65
Fame Is Going To The Dogs
67
Im Not Getting Older Im Getting Distinguished
69
I Try To Avoid Cows In Heat
71
I Have A Point
73
In The Early Morning Purple Rain
75
Singing Or Something Resembling It
77
Dog Days In Home Improvement Store
79
Its Not Raining It Pouring
81
Im Losing My Inherited Company Loyalty
83
And They Want Me As A Member?
85
What Am I Offered For A Slightly Used Self Esteem?
87
Bad Canadian No Bacon Beer Or Donuts For Me
89
Remembering My Pasture As I Head To The Future
107
My Wife Can Beat The Forces of Evel
109
I Was A Different Sort Of Bagboy
111
I Just Dont See EyeToEye With Goats
113
Turtle Takes Taste Of Teutonic Teen
115
Forget The Highway I Can Get Lost On The Information Side Street
117
The Problem Is Somewhere Between My Keyboard And The Back Of My Chair
119
The Global Pestering System
121
Just What I Need A Computer With Nag Version 31
123
Like Father Like Grandson
125
It Must Be True It Was In The News
127
Three Infi dels Walk Into A Bar
129
News From The Relationship Front Lines
131
Animals Are A Danger To Man And Upholstery
133
You Cant Toss An Eel In England But You Can Go On A Camel
135
Standing Up For Our Aims
137
Thats Really Cold Cash
139
Ecoli My New Best Friend
141
Bordering On A Traffi c Jam
143
Cn U Rd Dis I Nu U Cud
145
You Can Take Me Anywhere You Just Cant Dress Me Up
147
And You Thought You Had Trouble Keeping Names Straight
149
Reason 58 For Not Keeping A Sledge Hammer In The Bathroom
151
Down The Road Again
153
Supersized In A Small World
155
All The Little Airlines Go Cheap Cheap Cheap
157
Oklahoma Its A Learning Experience
159
Pssst Wanna Buy A Hot Week
161
I Have My Own Air Terror
163
Im Headed For Dayton And Im Actually Happy About It
165
My Country Tis Of The True North Strong And Free Eh?
167
About The Author
171
About The Caricature Logo
173
Back Cover
177
Copyright

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