Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

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Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Feb 7, 2013 - Psychology - 190 pages
People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders have a serious mental illness that primarily affects their intimate, personal, and family relationships. Often they appear to be normally functioning at work and in public interactions, and Narcissists may even be highly effective, in the short term, in some work or social situations. However, in intimate relationships, they can be emotional, aggressive, demeaning, illogical, paranoid, accusing, and controlling—in the extreme. Their ability to function normally or pleasantly can suddenly change in an instant, like flipping a switch. These negative behaviors don’t happen once in a while, they happen almost continuously in their intimate relationships and most often, and especially with their Caretaker family member.

Here, Margalis Fjelstad describes how people get into a Caretaker role with a Borderline or Narcissist, and how they can get out. Caretakers give up their sense of self to become who and what the Borderline or Narcissist needs them to be. This compromises the Caretaker’s self-esteem, distorts their thinking processes, and locks them into a Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer pattern with the Borderline or Narcissist. The book looks at the underlying rules and expectations in these relationships and shows Caretaker’s how to move themselves out of these rigid interactions and into a healthier, more productive, and positive lifestyle—with or without the Borderline/Narcissistic partner or family member. It describes how to get out of destructive interactions with the Borderline or Narcissist and how to take new, more effective actions to focus on personal wants, needs, and life goals while allowing the Borderline or Narcissist to take care of themselves. It presents a realistic, yet compassionate, attitude toward the self-destructive nature of these relationships, and gives real life examples of how individuals have let go of their Caretaker behaviors with creative and effective solutions.

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User Review  - justmeRosalie - LibraryThing

If you have any reason to learn about Narcissism, this is a definite book to turn to. There is so much information here. Reading this, you will very likely know if you are living with one. Good reference source. Read full review

User Review - Flag as inappropriate

This book describes extreme and bias opinions towards people living with personality disorders. Stigmatizing mental illness is what makes people completely misunderstand what personality disorders are. I have met so many individuals living with NPD and BPD and I honestly don’t understand where you got your information from in creating this book. Anyone can be destructive, manipulative, and horrible people WITHOUT having a disordered personality. Individuals with personality disorders are human. They deserve love just like anyone else. Your book stigmatizing mental ILLNESS and his is just sad. I hope you learn that not everyone is like what your described. Please do some research. 

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About the author (2013)

Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT, has a private psychotherapy practice in Ft. Collins, CO, specializing in work with clients who are in relationship to someone who has borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, and she facilitates groups on Caretaker recovery. She has previously been an Adjunct Faculty member at Regis University in Colorado Springs and at California State University in Sacramento.

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