The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive

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Penguin, Jan 31, 2006 - Family & Relationships - 336 pages
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Nationally recognized expert Robert Emery applies his twenty-five years of experience as a researcher, therapist, and mediator to offer parents a new road map to divorce. Dr. Emery shows how our powerful emotions and the way we handle them shape how we divorce—and whether our children suffer or thrive in the long run. His message is hopeful, yet realistic—divorce is invariably painful, but parents can help promote their children’s resilience. With compassion and authority, Dr. Emery explains:

• Why it is so hard to really make divorce work
• How anger and fighting can keep people from really separating
• Why legal matters should be one of the last tasks
• Why parental love—and limit setting—can be the best “therapy” for kids
• How to talk to children, create workable parenting schedules, and more

 

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The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive

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This book joins other recent well-done works (e.g., Constance Ahron's We're Still Family and Mary Ellen Hannibal's Good Parenting Through Your Divorce ) on helping parents deal with their divorce in a ... Read full review

Contents

Cindy and Scott in Court
Be Cooperative but Be Smart
Negotiating at the Kitchen Table
A Lawyer Can Help You to Negotiate on Your Own
Mediation
Lawyers
Collaborative Divorce
Evaluators and Guardiansad Litem

Scotts Story
Cindys Story
His and Her Divorce
Divorce Rewrites Your History
His and Her Children
The Childrens Perspective
Understanding Grief in Divorce
The Grief Cycle of Divorce
The Toxic Residue of Unresolved Grief
Living Through the Grief of Divorce
The Leaver and the Left
Your View from the Grief Cycle
The Ties That Bind
Getting Started with Grieving
A Final Thought
A Different Kind of Breakup
Understanding Your Personal Emotions
Emotional Dynamics
The Crucial Work of Setting Boundaries
Boundaries Prevent Confusion
The Value of Clear and Formal Boundaries
Understanding the Two Basic Types of Boundaries
Your Renegotiated Relationship
No Perfect Divorce
Divorced ParentsCanGive Children a Childhood or Take It Away
The Truth About Children and Divorce
The Risks of Divorce Are Real but Not the Whole Story
OneFifth Empty FourFifths Full
Is Divorce the Cause of Emotional Problems?
Why Does Divorce Create Problems for Children?
What Resilience Is Not
Trees of Pain in the Forest of Resilience
Resilient but Not Invulnerable
The Childrens Bill of Rights in Divorce
Going Public
Baby Steps
Study the Road Map
How to Manage Your Emotions
Mapping Out a Safe and Workable Approach
Disengaging from Your Ex Not from Your Children
The Medium Is the Message
Maggies Love of Literature
A Flawed Script
Telling Your Children
Giving Children Some Warning
Guilt Leaves No Room for Grief
When to Tell the Children
What to Say
Keep It Simple
Where Do Babies Come From?
Talking to Children of Different Ages
Different Scripts for Different Divorces
What to Say About an Affair
Keeping Kids Out of the Middle
Helping Children to Grieve
Why You Should Try to Work It Out
Take the Long View
Why Your Heartand Sometimes Your HeadSays Ill See You in Court
Judges Arbitrators and Parenting Coordinators
No Pain No Gain
Do You Need aFinalParenting Plan Now?
A Tentative Plan for Your Children
Taking a Risk on Working Together
A Responsive Approach in a Distant Divorce
What Those Scary Legal TermsReallyMean for Parenting
Alternative Schedules for Your Children
Holidays and Vacations
More Considerations for Your Schedule and Your Parenting Plan
Challenges for Residential Parents
Challenges for Nonresidential Parents
Some Challenges for Joint Custody
Meeting the Challenges of Parenting Apart
Reassuring Children That They Are Loved
Discipline Is Loving
Authoritative Parenting
Learning to Be an Authoritative Parent
New Parenting Roles
Good Parenting Is Good Therapy
Dealing with Childrens Problemsand Problem Children
Every Day Cannot Be Christmas or the Fourth of July
Pushing Guilt Buttons
Caretaker Kids
Lost Contact Lost Love
Two Parents Still
Continuing an Affair
Danielles Affair
Go Slowly with Children and Romantic Relationships
Scotts and Cindys New Relationships
Remarriage
Go Slowly for Yourself
When to Consider Therapy
Stuck with an Angry Ex
Children Making Parental Decisions
Learning to Grieve
Is Court the Answer?
Becoming Parents Again
Creating Options When There Seem to Be None
Lessons Learned
Who Am INow?
A Divorce Moratorium
Expanding Roles and Identities
The Point Is to Try
Letting Go and Forgiveness
Finding a Place for Your Grief
Children Moving On
New Understandings of Families and Divorce
Your Childrens Identity Crisis
Finding Meaning in Your Pain
INTRODUCTIONPutting Children First When a Marriage Comes Apart
How to Keep Your Emotions from Running Your Divorce
The Tasks of Divorce
CHAPTER FIVETalking to Children About Separation
CHAPTER EIGHTCoparenting for Resilience
CHAPTER NINEExploring New Relationships
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About the author (2006)

Robert E. Emery, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology and the director of the Center for Children, Families, and the Law at the University of Virginia, where he has spent his entire academic career (beginning in 1981). He received his B.A. from Brown University in 1974 and his Ph.D. from Stony Brook University in 1982. Dr. Emery’s research focuses on family relationships and children’s mental health, including parental conflict, divorce, divorce mediation, child custody, and genetically informed studies of all these issues, as well as associated legal and policy issues. Emery has authored more than 150 scientific publications and several books on divorce. In addition to his research, teaching, and administrative responsibilities, Dr. Emery maintains a practice as a clinical psychologist, divorce mediator, and parenting coordinator. He is the father of five children.


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