What Would Susie Say?: Bullsh*t Wisdom About Love, Life and Comedy

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Simon and Schuster, Oct 13, 2009 - Biography & Autobiography - 236 pages
IN WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY?, Susie Essman sheds the crasser layers to reveal how she went from an anxiety-ridden, struggling stand-up comic to being one of the funniest women on television, playing Susie Greene on HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Emerging as one of the most successful performers in her field, Essman goes behind the scenes of a life in comedy with her funny cohorts, including Joy Behar, Rodney Dangerfield, and, of course, Jeff Garlin and Larry David, while also providing sidesplittingly funny wisdom on a range of topics that she's highly unqualified to expound upon, including men, sports, hypochondria, and stepparenthood.

WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY ABOUT...

MARRIAGE?

"It took me a long time to find the man I was willing to commit myself to. Even the word commit is troublesome. One is committed to a mental institution."

MEN WITH DOGS?

"As a dog lover, I've researched many different breeds and I've begun to realize that you can tell a lot about a person by what breed of dog they choose to associate with. A bit self-conscious about your cellulite? A guy with a shar-pei is for you. They're hard to find, but cheaper than lipo."

THE BEAUTY OF MENOPAUSE?

"I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'm going to end up a bald, fat, sweaty, irritable woman with a dry vagina and a full beard who never sleeps and has memory loss so I won't even be able to remember how hot I used to look!"

STEPPARENTHOOD?

"My mother used to tell me 'you can't buy your kids' love.' Bullshit. You can, and it's exponential. They're like Russian mail-order brides -- the more you spend, the more they love you."

WHAT WOULD SUSIE SAY? is Essman's irreverent, refreshingly candid, and hilarious retort to the dubious facts of life that we all face.

 

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User Review  - lildrafire - LibraryThing

I like Susie Essman's frank and explicit way she expresses herself. I love the fact that she's not afraid to be herself and express herself in her own way, even if that way sometimes resembles some ... Read full review

Contents

GayNot GayShould Be Gay
17
Sit Stay On Second Thought Maybe You Should Go
34
The Business of Comedy Part One I Had a Dream
43
Weather Porn
63
The Pause
69
Left My Heart in the Bronx
87
The Albanian Way
108
The Business of Comedy Part Two Neurotic Needs Healthy Responses
113
Youre InYoure OutYoure Married
152
Its Not All about You
164
Dear Children
172
HumDing DingDing Dinger
181
The Business of Comedy Part Three How I Learned to Make the World Love Me by Telling Them to Go Fuck Themselves
193
Fat Fear
214
What Would Susie Say?
220
About the Author
237

The Bride Is Keeping Her Name
137

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About the author (2009)

Susie Essman has played the sassy Susie Greene for all seven seasons of the critically acclaimed HBO comedy series Curb Your Enthusiasm. Her hilarious bouts of withering sarcasm and her uninhibited insults have become her character’s trademark, and her streetwise vernacular is perfectly suited for her life in Manhattan, where she has been a veteran of the world of stand-up comedy for twenty-five years. She divides her time between New York City and upstate New York, where she lives with her husband, four stepchildren, and two dogs.

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