You Are a Miserable Excuse for a Hero!: Book One in the Just Make a Choice! Series

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St. Martin's Press, Jul 1, 2010 - Humor - 240 pages
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Why Do All the Nice Girls End Up Getting Kidnapped and Held for Ransom?

In this book, YOU, the reader, are a thirtysomething part-time actor/full-time waiter suddenly caught up in a kidnapping. Julia, the girl you went out with last night, has been TAKEN HOSTAGE. What will you do? Will you go to the police and ask for help? Will you burst into the hideout, killing everyone in sight, then tell Julia that she shouldn't misinterpret this as some sort of big commitment? Or will you unplug your phone and just get really, really drunk? The choice is yours!

You awake to the sound of the phone ringing.


You hear a man's voice. It is muffled. "We've got Julia."

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"We have kidnapped your girlfriend. If you ever want to see her again---"

"Whoa, she's not my girlfriend," you say. "I just met her. I mean, I had a good time with her and all, but I wanna take it slow with this one, I think."

"We understand," the voice says. "But she's new to the city, and presently, you're all she has. Give us fifty thousand dollars by tomorrow or we'll blow her head off."

If you want to go and ask your parents if you can borrow fifty thousand dollars, go to page 173.

If you want to have sex with your ex-girlfriend, consider getting back together with her, then think better of it, go to page 183.

BE VERY CAREFUL! You're directing the story and the CHOICES you make can result in MURDER, GRADUATE SCHOOL ENROLLMENT, TORTURE, MARRIAGE, POST-APOCALYPTIC SLAVERY, UNWANTED PREGNANCY, even TEMPING! It's YOUR STORY and YOUR LIFE. All you've got to do is decide which page you want to turn to. JUST MAKE A CHOICE!


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User Review  - ImBookingIt - LibraryThing

I went into it with too high of expectations. If I just wanted to be amused, I might have liked it better. I would have liked it more if the different choices navigated you around the same story, not took you to different explanations to what had already happened. Read full review


Title Page
And the Man at Table Number Two Feels Nothing
The Man Behind the Curtain Is So Fucking Bored
Six Months of Leon
Let Jeff Do the Choosing
Worst Booty Call Ever
Insufficient Funds
Reach into the Mirror and Touch Yourself
Use Your Sexy Body
Julia Sells Speakers and Shit Like That
Saved by an Urchin

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About the author (2010)

Bob Powers has performed at HBO’s Aspen Comedy Festival, and he co-hosts and performs in the monthly reading series “How to Kick People” in New York City. He is the author of Happy Cruelty Day!, among other books. Bob has written for Flaunt magazine, The Onion A.V. Club, and the New York Press.

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