Artemus Ward: His Book, Or, The Confessions and Experiences of a Showman

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Ward, Lock, and Tyler, 1866 - American wit and humor - 200 pages
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Page 11 - I'd be faseshus with him and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal. He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed : " You're a man of sin ! " He then walkt out of the room.
Page 15 - Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers of the Lord's Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet and drag him out on the ground. He then commenced for to pound him as hard as he cood. " 'What under the son are you abowt?' cried I. " 'Sez he, "What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here fur?
Page 12 - We air well," they solumly sed. "Whar's the old man?" sed I, in a soft voice. "Of whom dost thow speak— Brother Uriah?" "I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin. Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah.
Page 69 - Ef in five min its from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new sixteen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their eyes, "Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you remains on these here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor loose ! & ef he gits amung you, you'll think old Solferino has cum again and no mistake!
Page 67 - I'm A. Ward. Wax figgers is my perfeshun. I'm the father of Twins, and they look like me — both of them. I cum to pay a frendly visit to the President eleck of the United States. If so be* you wants to see me, say so — if not, say so, & I'm orf like a jug handle." "Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, sir.
Page 70 - I scacely think they'd sculp you ; but ef you do the fair thing by your country you'll make as putty a angel as any of us ! A. Linkin, use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and firmly, and all will be well ! A. Linkin, adoo !" He shook me cordyully by the hand — we exchanged picters, so we could gaze upon each others...
Page 67 - There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I "Old Abe, ahoy! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the fore-castle & throw yer jib-poop overboard! Shiver my timbers, my harty!
Page 37 - US sojers, hosstensibly sent out thare to smash the mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games. I got acquainted with sum of the officers.
Page 68 - ... the parler where Old Abe was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit he reached the fire-place he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his eyes, and yelled : " Don't make eny pintment at the Spunkville postoffiss till you've read my papers. All the respectful men in our town is signers to that there dockyment...
Page 79 - ... effek on the eve of eleckshun. To the poles ! and when you git there vote jest as you darn please. This is a privilege we all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free land. I see mutch to admire in New Englan. Your gals in particklar, air abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw. They air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny, and will make the bestest kind of wives. It sets my Buzzum on fire to look at 'em. Be still, my sole, be still, & you, Hart,...

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