Artemus Ward, His Book |
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abowt adoo Afrikan agin ain't Albert Edard Artemus Ward arter axed Baldinsville becawz beests bein Betsy Jane biled black close bleeve bust Buzzum capting comic commenst continner cuss dase deth Dodworth dollars drempt Edwin Forrest ekal enuff etsettery feelins feller female folks follerin frends furrin fust Ginral goin grate Hall heze hisself hoss Iago idee individooal Injianny jine John Camden Hotten Kangeroo larfed larfin larst lecturer lookin lookt marm meetin house minits Mister Ward Moosic nite nothin obsarved Octoroon offiss Old Abe onct Otheller parst peple perlitely pertaters Piccadilly pint pirut putty replide round sayin scacely Seseshers Shaker show bizniss singin Sitterzens skool Sperret spose statoots stile thare thawt thay things threw troo trooly VANITY FAIR vilently vittles wax figgers weskit whare wimin Yung yure
Popular passages
Page 21 - I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus •with him and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin ekal. He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed : " You're a man of sin !" He then walkt out of the room.
Page 131 - There/|., havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at his humstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I " Old Abe, ahoy ! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw yer jib-poop over-board ! Shiver my timbers, my harty !" [NB This is ginuine mariner langwidge.
Page 114 - I solilerquized as I walkt along—" Mrs. Ward, ef you could see your husband now, just as he...
Page 93 - I cried, my feelins worked up to a hi poetick pitch, "you air a angle when you behave yourself; but when you take off your proper appairel & (mettyforically speaken) — get into pantyloons — when you desert your firesides, & with...
Page 134 - Virtoo," sed I holdin' the infatooated man by the coatcollar, "virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me!, He did look at me, and qualed be4 my gase. "The fact is...
Page 147 - ... ary snore! At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and inquired if "Old Wax Works" was on bored. That was the disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me. "Becawz if Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a double-brested lobster, "we're going to hang Old Wax Works!
Page 76 - ef I find a individooal who is goin round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you know.
Page 96 - I've endeverd to do things which thay wasn't my Fort. The fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus cuss who cut a hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez I, " my jentle Sir go out or I shall fall onto you putty hevy." Sez he,
Page 25 - Shakers was all on hand, in clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on the floor like milingtery companies, the mails on one side of the room and the females on tother. They commenst clappin their hands and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuffle near where I sot, I rewarded him...