Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible!A hilarious re-imagining of the heroes of the Old Testament for a modern world-and the neurotic, demanding reader. In the beginning...there was humor. Sure, it's the foundation for much of Western morality and the cornerstone of world literature. But let's face it: the Bible always needed punching up. Plus, it raised quite a few questions that a modern world refuses to ignore any longer: wouldn't it be boring to live inside a whale? How did Joseph explain Mary's pregnancy to the guys at work? Who exactly was the megalomaniacal foreman who oversaw the construction of the Tower of Babel? And honestly, what was Cain's problem? In Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bible!, Jonathan Goldstein re-imagines and recasts the greatest heroes of the Bible with depth, wit, and snappy dialogue. This is the Bible populated by angry loners, hypochondriacs, and reluctant prophets who fear for their sanity, for readers of Sarah Vowell and the books of David Sedaris. Basically, a Bible that readers can finally, genuinely relate to. Jonathan Goldstein's new book, I'll Seize the Day Tomorrow, will be available May 2013. |
Contents
Inside the Grey Derby | 1 |
Cain and Abel | 26 |
Noah and the Ark | 44 |
The Tower of Babe | 66 |
Jacob and Esau | 79 |
The Golden Calf | 115 |
Samson and Delilah | 129 |
King David | 155 |
Jonah and the Big Fish | 200 |
My Troubles A Work in Progress by Joseph of N | 230 |
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Common terms and phrases
Abel Absalom Adam Adam and Eve Amittai Amorite angel asked baby Bathsheba battle became began belly blah blah blessing breath brother number Cain Cain and Abel chicken comedy darkness David dead Delilah dream dummies Earth Esau Esau's everything eyes face father feel felt finger fish fists flood funny giant going Golden Calf Goliath Gomer hair hand head hear heard heart Heaven Hittite imagined inside Isaac Jacob Jason Jews Joab jokes Jonah JONATHAN GOLDSTEIN kill kind king King Saul knew laugh laughter looked Lord Mary Mibzar Moses mother mouth never night Nineveh Noah nose penis Philistine prayed pulled Rebekah Samson Saul screaming shoulder smell smiled snake someone Sometimes sound spoke stared started stomach talk tell thing thought told tower tree tried trying Vito voice walked wanted watched whole