Fuhgeddaboudit!: From Fist-Pumping to Family Restaurant - 101 Ways to Tell If You're a Guido

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Simon and Schuster, Aug 18, 2010 - Humor - 224 pages
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Manicures, manicotti, and living in mom’s basement.

Madonn! The lives of guidos and guidettes can be hard. Are your days spent on GTL and getting your hair to outrageous heights? Is the night not complete without a brawl with some stunad followed by a late-night sausage and peppers? Still not sure you’re a guido? This hilarious collection puts your doubts to rest with common guido antics and behavior, such as:
  • You Get the Italian Flag Inked on Your Culo (Hint: You Can’t Show Your Mama)
  • You’ve Created Your Own Nickname--and Tried to Copyright It
  • You Spend a Half an Hour Perfecting Your Blow-Out and Another Half Hour Admiring It in the Mirror
  • You Describe Your Dream Guy as a Juicehead
  • Your "Nice Clothes" Are Animal Print

Complete with guido quizzes (What’s Your Guido Nickname?), fun facts, and trivia (Italian Slang 101), this book is the ultimate goobmah’s guide to Italian pride.
 

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Contents

You Say Sangweech Instead of Sandwich
You and Ten of Your Friends Have Crammed into a Shore House for the Summer
You Wear a DiamondStudded Cross
Youve Created Your Own Fashion Line
Someone in Your Immediate Family Is Named Tony Gino Vito or Isabella
You Hold Your Fork or Spoon Like a Caveman
You Wear a Pinkie Ring
You Drive a SoupedUp Honda Civic with Carriage Lights

Part II
Youll Get a Sausage and Peppers on the Boardwalk Even If You Just
You Have No Problem with Stealing Someones Guido or Guidette at the Club
You Made a Trip to Pizzaland Because You Saw It on The Sopranos Opening Credits
You Named Your Dog after an Italian Delicacy
You Think the Perfect Meal Is a Slice and a Coke
Your Nonnie Has Looked Elderly Since She Turned Fifty
You Still Think Its Cool to Talk Like Tony Montana
You Practice Your Battle Skills in the Mirror Before Going to the Club
Youve Beat a Bitch Down
You Own More Than Two Ed Hardy Shirts
You Consider Your Manicurist One of Your Best Friends
You Wont Leave the House Without Your Hair Extensions
Your Favorite Thing to Do on a Saturday Morning Is Get a Pedicure and Youre a
You Smoke Menthol Lite Cigarettes but Only When Youre Partying
You Know What It Means to Beat the Beat
You Obsessively Clean Your Sneakers
There Are Always Trays of Your Moms Lasagna in the Fridge and Freezer
You Live in Your Parents Basement Even Though You Graduated Ten Years
You Invite Your Mom Over Because You Know Shell Clean Your Apartment
You Spend a HalfHour Creating the Perfect Blowout
You Buy Jeans with Holes Already in Them
The Night Doesnt End until Youve Hooked Up in the Hot
You Can Collect the Most Phone Numbers During a Night Out but Youve Never Gotten a Date Out of
Your Ma Lights a Candle for You Every Time You Go
Youve Taken a Grenade for the Team
Youve Gone to Church Still Drunk from the Night Before
Youve Hosted Sunday Dinner but Made Your Mom Bring the Food
You Have a Collection of Pictures of Yourself Flexing in the Mirror
A Wife Beater Is a Permanent Part of Your Wardrobe
Your Goal in Life Is to Become a DJ or a Bartender
You Know the Names of All the Dancers at the Local Strip Club
Youve Made a Special Playlist on Your iPod Full of Your Favorite House Music
Youve Gone Fishing for Girls
You Buy Condoms in Bulk
Youve Created a Signature Drink
Youve Asked for a Track Suit for Your Birthday
Your Week Doesnt Begin until You Restock Your Cold Cuts
You Still Tease or Scrunch Your Hair
You Wax Every Stray Hair on Your Body
You Proudly Display Your Thong When You Go to the Club
You Submit Pictures of You and Your Crew to Area Night Clubs for Use on Their Websites
You Regularly Get Kicked Out of Night Clubs but Just Move to the Next
Youve Created Your Own Nickname and Tried to Copyright
You Say Fuhgeddaboudit after Every Sentence Even If It Doesnt Make Sense
All of Your Nice Clothes Have Animal Prints
Youve Blown Your Whole Paycheck at the Track
You Describe Your Dream Guy as a Juicehead
Youve Walked Home in Tears Without Shoes on More Times Than
Youve Received an Italian Horn as a Communion Birthday and Graduation Present
Youre Obsessed with ChapStick or Lip Gloss
Your Ma Throws Holy Water on You When You Come Back from a Date
Your Family Invites Your Priest to Family Functions
Youre Obsessed with Drinking Protein Shakes and Youll Add the Powder to Anything You
Your Ideal CarIs a Cadillac Escalade with Chrome Wheels That Spin 71 Instead of a Teething Ring Your Ma Gave You Biscotti
You Think That When It Comes to Shorts the Shorter the Better
Despite the Tanning Salons and Your Natural Olive Skin You Still Use Bronzer
You Wear Sunglasses at Night
You Start Getting Ready at 7 to Go Out at 11
You Think Rosary Beads Are a Fashion Statement Not a Method of Prayer
Youve Never Actually Been to Italy and You Call It the Other Side
Your Neighborhood Constantly Smells Like Frying Garlic
You Consider Your Friends Part of the Family
You Cant Speak Italian but You Can Understand What Your Nonnie Is Saying
Youre Still Pissed Off at the Way The Sopranos Ended
Your Family Owns Its Own Restaurant and You Worked There Every Summer of Your Childhood
You Call Your Mom and Dad Ma and Pop
Youve Said Im Getting Fresh to Death
Your Family Will Disown You If You Dont Marry an Italian
You Have No Problem Wearing Animal
You Have No Fewer Than Twenty Cousins and They Were All in Your Wedding
You Think Scorsese Is
You Didnt Go to College Unless You Count That Semester and a Half at Community College
Youre the King of Breakin Balls
You Have Some Serious Connections
You and Your Family Have Vanity License Plates of Your Last Name
Your Current Girlfriend Is a Cougar
You Think Axe Body Spray Is HighClass Cologne
You Take Christopher Columbus Day Off from Work
Christmas Eve Dinner Starts at Noon
You Refer to Robert De Niro Only as Bobby
You Were the Only Kid in the Cafeteria to Have a Mortadella Sandwich for Lunch
You Danced with Your Father to The Godfather Theme at Your Wedding
Your Mother Stayed Home from Work the Day Frank Sinatra Died
You Dont Get Offended When Someone Calls You a Guido
Ten Guido Recipes That Would Make Your Nonnie Say Mangia Mangia
Answers to Guess That Gangster
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About the author (2010)

Andrea Renzoni and Eric Renzoni are a sister-and-brother writing team who grew up in a proud Italian family. Many pounds of pasta were eaten and The Godfather played repeatedly. They still quote the Sopranos freely and get a kick out of The Jersey Shore, even though they've never visited the Garden State.

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