I Hate Your Guts

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Simon and Schuster, Nov 4, 2008 - Biography & Autobiography - 253 pages
1 Review
When New York Times bestselling author and comedian Jim Norton isn't paying for massages with happy endings, or pretending to be fooled by transsexuals he picks up, he spends his time wondering what certain people would look like on fire...

What do Heather Mills, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and Dr. Phil have in common? Jim Norton hates their guts. And he probably hates yours, too, especially if you're a New York Yankee, Starbucks employee, or Steve Martin.

In thirty-five hilarious essays, New York Times bestselling author and comedian Jim Norton spews bile on the people he loathes. Enjoy his blistering attacks on Derek Jeter, Hillary Clinton, fatso Al Roker, and mush-mouthed Jesse Jackson. It's utterly hilarious -- and utterly relatable if you've ever bitten a stranger's face or thrown a bottle through the TV screen while watching the news.

But don't think Jim just dishes loads of shit on his self-proclaimed enemies; he is equally atrocious to himself. He savages himself for his humiliating days as a white homeboy, his balletlike spins in the outfield during a little league game, and his embarrassingly botched attempt at a celebrity shout-out while taping his new HBO stand-up series.

Uncomfortably honest, I Hate Your Guts is probably the best example of emotional vomiting you'll ever read. But there is hope; at the end of each essay, Jim generously offers helpful suggestions as to how the offender can make things right again: Eliot Spitzer: If you run for re-election, instead of shaking hands with voters, let them smell your fingers.

Reverend Al Sharpton: The next time you feel the need to protest, do so dressed as an elk in Ted Nugent's backyard.

Hillary Clinton: When you absolutely must make a point of laughing publicly, don't fake it. Just think of something that genuinely makes you laugh, like lowering taxes or any random male having his penis cut off.

For the legions of devoted fans who know Jim Norton for his raw, sometimes brutal comedy, I Hate Your Guts is what you've been waiting for. But even more important -- it's a great book to read while taking a shit.

 

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Terrible book. Norton completes the rare feat of actually being too ugly for radio and writing. The prose suffers greatly in this book not because it was poorly written, but because some idiot suggested that they put Norton's diseased cranium on the cover. Seeing a clear, bright photograph of Jim Norton's head is the medical equivalent of being kicked by an angry bronco. Seriously. You will suffer internal bruising. If you insist on reading the book soak it in ammonia first. The perfect lighting of the cover photo allows the aroma of Norton's head to permeate into reality and wreaks of warm milk and feet. This book will hurt you. Be very careful. 

Contents

Preface
1
I Am Woman Hear Me Hop
7
Little Jimmy Norton the Prettiest Girl on the Team
15
Reverend Al Sharpton Scumbag Extraordinaire
25
Starbucks EmployeesThanks a Latte
37
Part One
45
Steve Martina Real Piece of Merde
55
The Pregnant Man Or Woman Or Whatever
61
Eat Like a Whale Blog Like a Bitch
101
The Rock and Roll Hall of Shit Part One
117
The Gentleman of Color from Franklin Township
127
A Few More Book Ideas
129
Dr Phil Is a Cunt
147
A Certain Scumbag Security Guard
161
The iSoundLikeShit Phone
177
The Hat Whisperer
203

Book Ideas Im Currently Working On
77
Do the Write Thing Bitch
89
Yankee Announcer John Sterling Should
95
South Park Eyes Jesse Jackson
217
Shitty Celebrity Couple Names
241
Copyright

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About the author (2008)

Jim Norton is an official member of CBS and XM satellite radio's Opie and Anthony Show and is best known for his extremely raunchy brand of humor. He was a regular on both seasons of Comedy Central's Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, played the caustic Rich on HBO's Lucky Louie, and has starred in his own HBO comedy specials. He has also cohosted the AVN awards twice, and performed his stand-up all over the country, including on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and Late Night with David Letterman, and lives in New York City.

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